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Where thoughts are pinned like butterflies.


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I Live! The Valentine's Edition!
calamityjim
Soooo…….

I’m a flake.

Sorry I haven’t updated in forever. My life has suddenly become very full. I'd like to thank Charlie for the comment that reminded me that I should probably do this. *hats off*

So we left off where my dad showed up at my work and violated all sorts of boundaries. At the end of the day that was the problem. Dad had created a boundary, and then he willfully violated it. That is a power play as far as social interactions, and it was especially devastating as my father has had a long history of it, though this has been the first time I was able to recognize it as part of a problem.

For example, my parent divorced long ago and when I was in grade 4 my Dad told me to tell my teacher that he was not allowed to give me homework on my Dad weekends. I also got scolded for doing my homework there too. Dad weekends were for Dad time and it was my duty as a small child to keep that time safe and sacred.

But I also remember my dad not being around on Dad weekends because he picked up an extra shift at work or he was feeding the neighbor’s hay or he was at his girlfriend’s kid’s hockey game.

I think the most devasting example of this was during summer vacation. My brother and I had convinced our Dad to take us to the beach. It was a gorgeous summer day. We were in our swimsuits, the truck was packed up and we were on the road.

But Dad had to make a stop at work. It would only wait a minute. So we waited in the truck. And we waited. And waited.

By the time Dad got out  the sun had started to dip and a few clouds had blown in. The summer heat was tainted by a chilly breeze. We went to the beach anyway, but the water was pretty cold. I went swimming for as long as I could, anyway, but it was mostly out of a passive aggressive stubbornness because I wanted a beach day, dammit.

So that is my Dad. And I had done a darn good job at forgetting about that. And then suddenly it wasn’t in the past anymore.

I’m handling it by limiting contact with my dad. He’s not a safe person for me and never really has been. It is past the point of apologies, partly because he’s immature enough that he doesn’t understand that he’s at fault. He doesn’t understand that I didn’t come out to him because he talks about fags, because I should have just known it was just talk. And he keeps making the same mistakes. He apologized to me years ago for not beliving me when I told him mom’s husband was abusive. But then he told my therapist that I wasn’t really gay and should just marry a guy friend I have.

So yeah, I’m done with Dad.

And I feel really good about this. It’s relaxing to not try and work my father into my life and to not have to worry about what he is going to do to me next. I kept going over what I owed him as his offspring and realized that if I was in this relationship only because I owed him then I owed him nothing because he had failed at some point. I have no desire to fix this. So I’m not going to. I’m not going to avoid him, but I’m not seeking him out. He wasn't there when I needed him, and I don't need him now. Recognizing that doesn't make me cold, selfish, or unfair. It makes me someone who is prioritzing my emotional health over nostalgia and television dreams of what family should look like.

So that’s that. But that’s not all.

Girlfriend. I’ve acquired.

And because I’m me I have done it in the most complicated way possible.

Let’s put it this way….

I sold her her engagement ring. So.

Her boyfriend is okay with me being a partner on the side, so he and I are friends, he and she are dating, and she and I are dating.

And OH MY GOD she is AMAZING. It’s been four months since we made it official, but we were doing the things long before that. But seriously, she’s great. She drunk texts me in French. She’s funny, caring, sarcastic, and drinks enough coffee that I should have an allergic reaction whenever I kiss her.

Also, kissing. It’s weird. I enjoy partaking in a societal ritual of expressing my affection, plus it makes her happy, but the physical sensation of kissing is weird and I don’t know how you allosexuals stumbled across it eons ago.

She’s got pink hair, too. And puns. There are so many puns. It is amazing.

And I could wax on and on and on. I’m not going to because I like you people.

So yeah. I’m alive. I’m actually okay. It took me a while to get back here but I am definitely doing okay. And I am very happy.

Oh. Yeah. Other thing that happened.

I came out as trans to the people in my life!

Because why not?

I think I’m librafluid, which is like gender fluid, but I’m demi gender. Demi gender means that I’m not wholly buying into the concept of gender, but I’ll identify because they game looks amusing. But because I’m fluid I like to switch teams. I have no desire to physically transition into a male, but there are days when I really can’t get behind the whole “being female” thing. I bought a chest binder, which makes me feel good but is uncomfortable as all hell.

This is also helping me resolve the issues I have with makeup. Sometimes, I like wearing makeup. Usually not, but every once and a while it’s fun. I shocked the hell out of my girlfriend because I wore make up and a skirt in an effort to woo her. It worked out quite well (Go me). Part of the reason I am uncomfortable with makeup though it the fear that if I start wearing it I will start facing a lot of pressure to not stop. Being able to verbalize that as someone who isn’t cis, that attitude is harmful, is very empowering.

And it’s having a positive ripple throughout my life. My mom is starting to call me Jim more often than Jamie. It’s nice to get that acknowledgement, as when I started going by Jim mom had very pointed things to say about me being weird.

And my sister was actually studying the trans experience as part of some work she was doing because of a situation in my province involving transgender students and catholic schools, so when I came out she was actually super informed on the issue and was very supportive.

It’s been a really great experience.

So far the only thing I worry about is am I trans enough? I am struggling with the preconceived notion that trans is performative, which is dressing the part and getting the mannerisms and changing the voice, and trying to reconcile it with the experience of trans being very psychological. There are days I’m male. My body seems to recognize that because I know my gestures and posture change a bit. I sit different. I think I talk a little different too. Not a lot, but some. Enough that I notice.

I’m not extreme. I don’t go from dresses to facial hair. I don’t really want to. But the idea that I have to comes from a world where Bruce turned into Caitlyn, not that she always was Caitlyn.

So I’m reconciling it. It will take time, but my girlfriend is super supportive and very inclusive as well. She’s got a few friends who have transitioned so she knows a lot more than I do and is willing to help talk me through it when I’m feeling lost. Also, her boyfriend is actually agender. So yeah, she’s better at dealing with my gender issues than I am, lol.

All in all I am in a really good place. I feel like I’m living life true to myself, which is a great feeling. I’m not hiding and I’m not afraid.

Which is the theme of today. I’m introducing my girlfriend to my mom and siblings, including my 11 year old sister, who, unless Mom spoke to in the last three weeks, has no idea I’m gay but is definitely about to find out. I have a girlfriend. Not a best friend or a special friend but a full blown, we hold hands and kiss (cause I’m still asexual. Also, she’s demisexual so does those things with her man friend but as of yet has expressed no interest in doing them with me. This is like the Perfect solution) and we have dreams that we share with each other.

So yeah. There will likely be drama but that’s okay. I’m only living the truth of my life and there is nothing wrong with that.

Also, that therapy class I was in on Mindful Practices was really useful, as you can see.

So I don’t know when I will update again. Life is moving really fast but in a good way, so I don’t promise anything. But I hope you all find the happiness that I currently have.

Also, my girlfriend. Seriously awesome. I’m totally twitterpated. 


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It sounds like you're doing absolutely fantastic! Maybe I'll use my own livejournal page to write about some of the things I've been doing, feeling, and otherwise experiencing lately. That way I don't dump it all here to someone who barely knows me. Honestly, it would probably help me organize it all in my mind which has to be better than ignoring it or telling pieces of it to several different people. Even the people who love me best don't always get told everything that's going on in my life. And I tend to be long winded, so really an update on my journal will probably be better than a word dump in your comment section. I'm glad you settled things in your mind about your dad and I hope we hear more about your girlfriend in the future.

Clearing my mind is a huge part of the reason I do it. I need to externalize my emotions in order to process them, and since I have so much going on it is easier to write them down than burden other people with them. I also recommend it because there is always someone who can relate, and even if no one comments the idea that my words at the very least make someone feel less alone is huge.

And you will definitely hear more about my girlfriend. XD

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